pb-online

yes i know it's a stupid domain name.

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Today Isaac & I went over to Dick’s Sporting Goods to pick up a batters hat. Came home with a hat, batters gloves, bat & left handed mitt. Oh well. Here he is trying out his new kit. Not bad for a 3 year old.

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One year later.

While listening to some music and catching up with emails the other day this song came on and it made me stop. By the end of the song i was in tears.  It’s a beautiful song, called Lullaby Requiem, a son singing a lullaby to his dying mother. One part in particular stands out:

It’s real life, it’s all true

You know how I’ll miss you
In quiet moments I’ll come undone

This time last year, I was trying to book a plane home to England to be with Mum, desperately hoping that she would hold on long enough for me to see her again.  The morning had begun like any other; overslept past my alarm, shower, rush down a bit of breakfast and into the car.  However as I was on my way to work I received a phone call from her friend telling me to come over, so I immediately drove home and booked a flight.  

I was told the devastating news that she was gone when I landed. She passed away while i was mid atlantic and my friend who picked me up from the airport had the unenviable task of telling me.  I knew the moment I saw her as I could see it on her face, but she did her duty and told me anyway.

This is something that will haunt me for a long time to come.  At the time my mother needed me most, I wasn’t there. I’d left it too late. 

One year later and I still have a hard time believing that she is gone. There is a hole in my heart that can never be refilled and every now and again I’m reminded of the fact that I will never see her again. Just last week Isaac pointed to a photo and asked when we could go see Grandma.  Broke my heart.  How do you explain to a 2 year old?

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Family.

Families are funny things. We’ve just come back from a wonderful week long vacation to Onset, the guests of my uncle and aunt. It was a long drive there and back, with an overnight stop and we thought it would be a bit too much for Isaac, but he seemed to enjoy the road trip for the most part. I suspect the donuts helped.

They were very gracious hosts, and it was a pleasure to spend some relaxing time with them as we only really see them once or twice a year for a couple of days. Isaac had a blast at the beach, his first experience of the sea, and he had a fun time looking for fish and crabs in the water.

But back to the first sentence. While we were there, I was asked by my uncle how my brother and sister are doing, and embarrassingly i had absolutely no idea. Now, in my defense, they are in England and i am in Illinois, but still, they are my siblings - how can i not know how they are?

It turns out that not only do i not know how they are i don’t even know where they are. My sister is apparently in Canada, a piece of information i gleaned from her Facebook page. My brother, i think, is still in the UK; most likely touring as part of The Suzukis, but i don’t know for sure.

Obviously, we are not a close knit family. There is a pretty large age gap for starters, which makes it difficult to find some common ground, but still it seems that since our mother passed away we’ve been drifting further apart. When she was around, i could either find out what they were doing through her, or speak to them directly. Now all i have are Facebook updates.

I like reading their wall posts, but it would be great to hear their voice.